I made a joke the other day at the kitchen table, joshing around with my family. Over the next few hours, I got that sense of dread, but right at the time, I was not even aware of the offense. But after a few days, I had to ask my wife: why have you gone behind a cloud?
When she repeated the conversation, I realized quickly that what I said was awful. My memory of the conversation goes pretty differently.
This does not help.
The good, the bad, the annoying
Good: I managed not to be defensive. I did not make excuses. I also did not drop into my usual pattern of self-hatred. I earnestly listened, asked questions, and asked for forgiveness.
Bad: It feels like it’s going to take some time to recover from this one. A big part of my wife’s reaction was that my 16 yr old son heard what I said. Now I need to have a conversation with him as well.
Annoying: The scheme of things – ADHD is not a gift.
I’ve been working seriously on my ADHD symptoms for the past 2 years, pretty much non stop. Most things have been improving. Income, mood, memory, focus, energy, empathy. All much better.
My random verbal output? Still causing me trouble.
So far, I have not minimized the problem, dropped into a shame-spiral, nor have I become terribly defensive.
Best of all, I have already pre-forgiven the people who will tell me that ADHD is a super power. I will not give them the finger.